The Summer I Spent In Descent
“While the Sun was lengthening His light each day, I found myself descending to hear what She had to say
Lean in to what you already know
It’s time to honor that which needs to go slow
A deathblow to outgrow this crazy shit show
There’s no more need to go-go-go…
Remember The Way is very smart
It sings its songs through the subtle sensations of your heart
I’m here to hold you as you come apart
To sing you home for a grand new start”
on some level, I knew it was coming…
Part 1: The Knowing
Long drawn out bittersweet moments gently asking to be cherished…
The anxious feeling of spinning too many plates with the unrelenting knowing: “something’s gotta give…”
As well as the frustrating insight that any future plans I made would be a fruitless & foolish endeavor
—__—
The Void was here, there and everywhere I looked.
The place where time stands still…
Where nothing matters as the heart of the matter re-organizes itself.
While this feeling was a familiar feeling, I hadn’t descended this deep for over a decade.
However, there She was silently singing me home…
Daring me to put down what I’ve been carrying for who knows how long.
To go into the silence and hear the soft strength of my Soul’s song.
Of life, death & rebirth.
Descending to ascend through the tether of my Wildlight within.
To retrieve what’s been waiting within the undercurrent of these radiant dark waters…
During June, I barely had my head above water
By July, I started to let myself drown
In August, I surrendered and sank to the bottom
*Artwork not my own
What I discovered at the depth of these radiant waters is something I never would’ve retrieved had I kept pushing on through my pain…
Part 2: The Teacher
In other words, had I kept clinging on to the drama surrounding my pain instead of becoming curious of how it was mirroring The Way through my pain.
For instance:
The pain of my million mph mental body trying to figure everything out showed me where I struggled to sit in the silence.
To learn how to be okay with not knowing.
The pain of my physical body to push through an injury and incessant chronic fatigue showed me where I was prostituting my body and where I was out of alignment with my natural rhythms.
To learn how to create boundaries & listen more closely to the wisdom of my body’s signals.
The pain of my emotional body with the uncontrollable rolling waves of grief showed me where I needed to slow down and create the container to let it all flow.
To learn how to meet the radiant dark well of grief.
This is why I see pain as a Teacher, a sacred mirror that is showing us where the waves of consciousness are crashing upon our wounds.
Just like the waves dramatically crash upon the cliffs to erode away what’s in the way to reveal the next evolution of the earth’s natural expression.
Guess what else happens during the process of erosion?
The rubble crashes back into the ocean, a metaphor for the Collective Consciousness, and is recycled once again through the sacred cycles of Creation.
Everything that dies will be born anew.
So into the arms of the Mystery… into the arms of the Mother, I went…
Let us remember that death is a natural cycle of transformation, metamorphosis & transition.
Part 3: The Mystery
In fact, death is one of the 3 Great Mysteries between life and rebirth.
Throughout HIS-story, descents have been demonized and dramatized as something dangerous as you descend into the darkness of the subconscious.
Into the Unknown. Beyond the Eye of the Ego.
Remember, the Ego doesn’t want to die - it doesn’t want to let go of the masks it loves to wear because there is safety & comfort in its limited knowing, even if it perpetuates its pain.
Throughout HER-story, descents have been revered and respected for the retrieval of one’s Soul through the radiant dark waters that The Great Mother tends to within her primordial womb or Cosmic Cauldron of Creation.
The Great Mother says, “Come, let me hold you in your pain. Let us sing to your liberation.”
This is the Soul that knows where it comes from to be reborn.
Resurrected
Archaeologists believe the oldest living her-story myth of descent predated Christ by 4,000 to 6,000 years. This Sumerian myth is, of course, the story of Innana, the Queen of Heaven who became the Queen of Heaven AND Earth through the death of her divinity and rebirth of her humanity to become a Divine Human.
As the story goes, Inanna, the Queen of Heaven, was pulled from her Venusian throne because she fell in love with the song at the very center of our Earth; the womb of Gaia and its spinning egg of fertility.
She also longed to be there for her sister, Ereshkigal, the Queen of the Underworld, who was grieving after the loss of her husband. Innana desired to know this polarity of love and pain; of what it means to be human.
It is from this place that she descended and was asked to let go of 7 layers of herself through each gate into the Underworld to meet the essence of who she was.
In my own expression of this living myth, I’ve noticed there’s this natural curiosity, just like Innana, that calls forth from the innocence of one’s heart to the unknown primordial potential within the Womb of Creation.
In my case, I was pulled by my shattered heart to experience the polarity of grief and joy. Pain and love.
To allow myself to be fully held and unconditionally loved by The Great Mother at the depths of my despair to shatter the veil of illusion, the veil of separation… the lie that we’ve been listening to for however long that we are inherently powerless in our pain.
As I sat in ceremony approaching this part of the descent journey, I found myself entering the Underworld of Walking Wildlight.
Down and down I went traveling through the tunnels of my subconscious with the sound of my voice leading my light through each unknown dark twist and turn.
All of the sudden, I approached a locked metal door and paused…
In one moment I had easily blasted off the hinges, in another, I saw all these shadowy figures huddled around scaring this limp little thing, and in the next moment I made them all scurry and scatter away with a bright flash of my Wildlight within.
When I approached the limp little thing, I realized it was a pale freckly little girl.
Me.
She was young, about 5 years old. I gently picked her up into my loving arms and sang one of the most resounding sounds of liberation I’ve ever sung with tears and fierce love exuding from every cell of my being.
Singing over and over again, “She’s mine, you cannot have her anymore”
This was the reclamation of my innocence, of my Wildlight within.
The thing I love most of all.
The sweet & silly 5-year-old me that began to believe there was something inherently wrong with her and her wildly sensitive innocent nature.
The parts my past Beloved nurtured within me and then shattered dramatically to initiate me into questioning my inherent self-worth so I could pick up the pieces and never rely on another to love these parts of me again.
That parts my ex made me feel ashamed of as a modern day Medicine Woman, as a woman who remembers her inherent interconnection to the Magic of Life - her Radiance - to shape shift into something smaller and duller so that she can survive in this modern day society she finds herself in.
To be accepted by her peers.
To not trust her instincts.
To not stand up for herself or speak the truth of what she’s always seen.
To give her power away to another because she believed they saw the truth of her instead…
“Open The Floodgates!”
Part 4: The Release
The week after this ceremony, my life took a wild left turn as I radically listened to the wisdom within.
As I destroyed the towers (or ships) my ego created to “safely” navigate the treacherous waters of the ocean, i.e. the Collective Unconscious
This initially looked like closing the doors to my all-girls soccer training company because my body clearly communicated the boundary:
“I will not kick one more soccer ball.”
Ironically, by officially letting go, I became even more exhausted…
—__—
Almost as if my body was like, “Oh, so you’re serious then? If you’re not gonna play soccer anymore, then I’m not gonna hold back on what’s been waiting underneath this pain”
“Open the Floodgates!”
I didn’t leave my bed that day. The next day, I went to the chiropractor and was given 20+ dry needles in my legs and spent the rest of the day in bed resting & recovering while my body was buzzing as stagnant energy released in wave after undulating wave.
Since then, it’s been like a domino effect of revelations as I’ve slowly come out of the fog of confusion and chronic fatigue.
The deeper truths have been revealing themselves as I’ve been releasing what no longer is in alignment and slow down enough to recognize and honor my natural rhythms and inner instincts..
As I repair the wound of trusting the Transformative Nature of Life.
The feminine art of dying well.
Some things I’m not quite comfortable sharing at this moment but nonetheless are rooted in not living from our true nature.
From forgetting our true nature as spirit (incarnate). As a Divine Human. As a Child of Creation. Just like Innana and Yeshua were exemplifying for us.
One thing I can share is how challenging it has been to release the deepest love I’ve ever experienced with another person.
When I take a step back, I’m confronted with a giant piece of humble pie realizing it has taken almost 2 years to release this relationship.
2 years of so much heartache, joy, drama, shadow, bliss and everything else in between because it was so painful to listen and let go when I first received the intuitive full-body knowing.
Just like how it’s been so challenging to listen and let go of soccer after hurting my ankle almost 2 years ago too…
Coincidence, I think not? 😅☠️
By releasing my longest love - soccer - as well my deepest love with another, I created the space to lay them on the altar with love, compassion and forgiveness in order to retrieve my inner child this summer.
Of my Wildlight within.
The thing I love most of all.
The Divine Radiant Child
Through this topsy turvy journey, I’ve come to learn that grief and joy are two sides of the same coin.
For we are a Wildlight Walking Itself Home…
Part 5: The Remembering
As I write this now, it’s mid-September.
The mornings are crisp, but the days here in the South are somehow still quite hot. The leaves are starting to fall as the Winds of Change begin to blow upon us, through us and for us all.
As we’re Falling Into Fall
As I find myself back on the ascent, I recognize there are still parts of myself that need to wait a little more to adjust back into the light of awareness.
While I freed a core part of my inner child this summer and of Walking Wildight as a whole, it takes some earth time to catch up for the safe and slow integration and embodiment of the magic to freely shine forth.
——————————————————————————————
November is now here with the chilly Winds of of Change, and as I sit here with the medicine of this story, I’m amazed at what has transpired throughout this Fall Season…
On the outside looking in, it may not look like a lot has happened.
I definitely don’t have all the pieces, but some have started to reveal themselves as I’ve remembered how to be present and:
trust the Mystery
For instance, an opportunity to cook at a women’s retreat fell right into my lap and I had such an amazing experience! It opened up a foundational piece of Walking Wildlight’s medicine:
sacred nourishment
While my body is still saying “no” to soccer, my ankle is finally healed and I can run on it once again! This specific part of the journey has helped me re-orient my sense of health and wellbeing to figure out what I actually want to do with my body now:
hike & explore nature
As a result, I’ve spent many weekends exploring the Talladega Mountains testing my newfound freedom. I’ve discovered being back in nature is nurturing my inner wild child who grew up catching frogs and playing tag in the Michigan forests.
At the same time, my heart continues to experience waves of grief, albeit not nearly as jarring as it used to be as I’ve learned how to:
meet my pain
This might be the most important lesson I learned throughout this entire descent journey, which makes so much sense as a full circle weaving of what I wrote about with Innana in Part 3: The Mystery.
To be a Divine Human means to meet the full capacity of your human experience - love & pain - grief & joy - shadow & light - with eternal grace & trust in your Divine nature.
Your connection to Creation
Especially within the depths of your despair and in the face of the unknown.
It is in these moments, through the contraction and expansion of the Soul’s journey returning home to the Cosmic Cauldron of Womb of The Great Mother that we are reborn
For we are a Wildlight Walking itself Home.
As a Mystic, Sophianic Medicine Woman and Midwife of the Soul, I experience these transformational journeys so I can navigate another through their own descension journey.
To know the ins and outs, chutes and ladders, and subtle nuances of the art of transformation.
To Wake Your Wildlight Within and Reclaim Your Radiance!
To think I went on this journey alone would be a huge misunderstanding.
To my teachers, friends, family, plant allies, Sacred Mirrors and even my little puppy girls… woweee what a wild ride.
This is why it’s important to have support before, during, and after these upside-down and inside-out quantum journeys of becoming.
If you yourself are in the midst of a transformational chapter of your life, then let’s chat and see how Walking Wildlight could be of support.
May we remember:
Through the light of awareness and the song of Soul, wherever we go, we are always welcome into the arms of the Mother to reveal, release, and remember our RADIANCE within.
Blessings on your journey wherever you find yourself in this now moment.
Thank you for coming along on the journey
With Love,
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Thank you kindly ♡
