The Conundrum of Chronic Fatigue
A year and a half ago, I embarked upon my very own Learn Your Labyrinth journey because I wanted to see if I could make some definitive shifts in my life as I was so sick of my own suffering..
So sick of experiencing the same reality, the same results, the same feeling of running in circles.
Instead, I wanted to return to my own radiant rhythms.
The way Creation designed me to be.
Not the hustle and bustle machine of the matrix.
During my ayurvedic assessment - a holistic elemental lens of your mind, body and spirit - one thing became predominantly clear:
I was chronically exhausted and on the verge of burnout.
My body felt achy and exhausted upon waking.
My mind lived in a maze of overwhelm and worry.
My spirit felt like a shell of itself as I watched myself miserably moving through the motions.
I thought if I could just change this one thing, everything in my life would change for the better.
Turns out I was right, but little did I know what it would cost me.
My old life 💀
I sunk into this first spiral of my Learn Your Labyrinth journey by studying the chronic fatigue I was experiencing with a beginner’s mind because I wanted to understand the maze I was moving in.
When does it happen?
What makes it better or worse?
Is it diet related?
Is it me or my environment? Or both?!
What is the deeper truth here?!
As I started bringing my light of awareness to this curiosity, something interesting began to happen..
The Way started to reveal itself in the way The Way knows The Way :)
Albeit not in a linear fashion because where would be The Mystery in that? lol
Like a puzzle with all its pieces scattered across the table, the symptom of chronic fatigue started to show a greater more cohesive image when I started to put my findings together through my Learn Your Labyrinth journey.
Suddenly, this conundrum started to make sense as I began to feel the fatigue instead of suppressing it.
As I spiraled down through each confusing twist and turn, I continued to return to this one simple yet not so simple concept:
Forgetting our true nature as spirit
In Ayurveda, this is the root of all suffering.
Losing attachment to our spirit, or spark of life.
Our radiance within
In Ayurveda, this concept is known as “Pragya Aparadha,” which translates to “the crime against wisdom” or “the mistake of the intellect”.
It refers to when a person knowingly acts against their inner wisdom, natural law, or healthy habits, leading to imbalance, disease, and suffering.
This concept showed up in so many overt and subtle ways this past year and were of course rooted from a place of fear, survival and trauma patterns.
From separation from my spirit
From consuming caffeine to make my body meet the task at hand to forcing it to perform and work through multiple injuries for the sake of financial survival.
From filling my head with a constant array of music, audiobooks, and social media to keeping my social calendar busy so I don’t have to feel the emptiness of feeling alone and facing the underlying truth.
Each decision I was choosing was perpetuating the trauma patterns because these decisions were more familiar than the unknown discomfort of change.
The painful part of this problem is that I knew I was perpetuating the patterns and couldn’t seem to help myself.
Maybe you can relate?
While becoming aware of these traps and pitfalls within my maze is one thing, choosing a different choice from a place of love is a whole ‘nother thing that requires compassion, self-respect and self-love to bravely let go and close the door for good as you wait patiently for The Way to show The Way.
This is where shadow work comes into play as you meet your inner protector at the threshold of these changes and sit with the feeling of discomfort you’ve been avoiding.
It took me 6 months to meet my shadow and finally let go of Find Your Fire Soccer Training because I could no longer ignore my body’s declaration of, “I will not kick one more soccer ball”.
To even get to that point required a 3-month descent into the Underworld.
The place that feels like hell as time slows down - where nothing matters as the heart of the matter re-organizes itself into crystal clear truth.
No matter how much I tried, numbness, depression and apathy took ahold of my life until I was forced to face this truth head on and surrender.
To remember:
It is safe to let go and let life transform you
To return to the simple stillness of the void and be born anew
To remember Creation would never ask me to betray myself and my body
Instead, I had been choosing to because I was fearful and felt like I needed to control Creation in order to survive.
This is an inorganic distortion derived from the matrix because it is separated from The Mother, the original Matrix of organic creation. The Void. The Nothingness. The place the phoenix rises to be born anew.
The matrix is what our shadow can hook into within the maze of our minds until we decide to go beneath and behind.
The sanctuary of our soul that is always observing the mental-emotional maze we attach ourselves to.
The drama-rama
Emotional roller coasters
Constant flux of thoughts & ensuing chaos
This deeper place beneath and behind the maze of the mind within ourselves is a place that is always singing us home.
To remember our radiant rhythms and return to our true nature as spirit.
Some people call it instinct. Some people are really good at reading the subtle sensations. Others just say, “I simply know”.
It was from this place that I stepped through the threshold of my transformation.
As I shared the news on social media about Find Your Fire, I watched the illusion of fear I constructed dissolve the moment I stood in the strength of this tender truth.
Many people have been so sad for FYF’s ending, which I understand on so many levels, as I do too, but in all honesty, I was so relieved to listen to my body’s needs and give it the time and space to heal from a 25+ year playing, coaching and training career.
Reaching this threshold was just the beginning of another ending as I descended even further down the spiral of my chronic fatigue.
Ironically, by officially letting go of FYF, I became even more exhausted the next week 🫠
Almost as if my body was like, “Oh, so you’re serious then? If you’re not gonna be a soccer trainer anymore, then I’m not gonna hold back on what’s been waiting underneath this pain”
I didn’t leave my bed that day.
The next day, I went to the chiropractor and received 20+ dry needles into my legs and spent the rest of the day in bed as well.
It felt like a sink had finally been unplugged and with each determined glug of the water sloshing down, so too was all this energy I had been holding to maintain something so heavy and stagnant.
So ready for change.
Since then, it’s been like a domino effect of revelations as the clouds continue to slowly lift from the maze I had been living in.
The deeper truths have been revealing themselves as I remember my own radiant rhythms.
After all this was my underlying prayer and the underlying prayer of Learn Your Labyrinth.
To remember your rhythms of radiance
To remember how Creation designed YOU.
Because I believe we are perfectly designed by Creation with all of our quirks, follies and funny things that make you, YOU and me, Me.
It is therefore our responsibility to know ourselves deeply enough to listen to our inner instincts and trust ourselves to follow through with our own inner wisdom.
When we truly forget or pretend to forget altogether, our path reroutes to the maze of our mind - i.e. our ego.
It is through the joy of remembering our rhythms of radiance where grace takes up space within the transformation of our lives.
To keep returning as many times as it may take to stay within the labyrinth of our life instead of trapped within the maze of our mind.
This is where my Learn My Labyrinth journey is leading me currently.
From when I let go of Find Your Fire to now - from the end of the summer to the middle of the following spring - I spent many months purging stagnant energy throughout my mind, body and spirit.
Through therapy, I recognized the extent of my masking and received support from someone who deeply sees me.
Through my bloodwork, I discovered I had a high level of residual Epstein Barr virus that was keeping me in a chronic fatigue state.
Through an HTMA test, I discovered my body was in a psychological state of protection because there was little to no capacity to meet life.
Through physical therapy, I addressed some long-standing injuries and got back in the gym to create a solid foundation for my frame.
Through Mosaic Methods, a network chiropractic energy healing system, I allowed my body to process the pain stuck within my emotional body and beyond. Shout out to Holly!
Through saying “no” and honoring my body’s need to rest, I discovered how I reconnect to my wisdom within.
Through Ayurveda, I remembered how to create rhythms of radiance through my morning, evening and weekly routines. I even learned how to cook and created a side gig that got me through the winter.
Through the support of my family and friends, I learned how to be honest about my needs and what I have capacity for. This is always a work in progress of course.
Through prayer and mediation, I learned how to nurture my ever-lasting flame and reconnect to the rivers of rejuvenation within me.
Through Learn Your Labyrinth, I continued to be curious about what my chronic fatigue was teaching me.
And here I am today.
Learn Your Labyrinth
Remember Your Rhythms of Radiance
While I haven’t cracked the full code of chronic fatigue, for the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful for what’s ahead and grateful for each twist and turn to return home to my rhythms of radiance.
I feel them flowing through me which was my initial dream! 🐝
May you remember your rhythms of radiance
May you know that you are never alone in your pain.
That The Great Mother is always singing you home to the sweet songs within the sanctuary of your center.
That Creation is here to catch you when you bravely say no more.
Tetelestai.
The transaction is complete!
That a beginner’s mind is worth more than anything ChatGBT has to offer.
To play and be curious with the conundrum before you rather than outsourcing your own power ;)
Learn Your Labyrinth is here to hold you through this remembering as you return to your rhythms of radiance.
Through the practical spirituality of Ayurveda and The Great Mysteries of life, death and rebirth, together we are embarking on a holistic shamanic journey through the seen and unseen forces that we are always co-creating with.
Our thoughts, emotions, actions and instinctual inner-knowings..
Guiding us through each unknown twist and turn of our life labyrinth.
If you are a seeker on the path, I’d like to invite you to a free Exploration Call below ♡
Thank you again for being here and for taking the time to read my story.
May it help unlock the puzzle pieces of your own journey as well.
With Love,
-Brooke
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